Happiness, it seems, according to many researchers, is elusive to parents.  Many studies, including that of psychologists Lauren Papp and E. Mark Cummings, professors of psychology at UCLA, have found that having children increases depression and anxiety, and parents describe themselves as less "happy" than non-parents. More damning evidence against having the little darlings came out recently in a study, citing parents experience more "joy" and non-parents experience more "happiness".  For me and most of my readers, the question becomes..."How can I NOT be that unhappy parent, in an unhappy marriage with unhappy children?!"

 

 I often ponder my own happiness, the happiness of my husband and that of my children.  I would say I am mostly happy, except when, I feel intense anxiety that my time is running out to accomplish the great aspirations that I keep hidden- as though my expiration date is about 40 years old.  I feel torn that perhaps, my happiness energy ratio should be about 90% children 10% husband and 10% me, that it's their 'turn', and mine will come, except maybe it won't, because 40 is fast approaching.  Reading these studies and researching this topic has given me a new kind of determination to BE HAPPY, darn it!  I feel compelled that you and I NOT become an unhappy parenting statistic; that we will be happy, fulfilled and live meaningful lives of joy and peace.  Here are the ten steps that I discovered, after heavy research, scientifically improve happiness.

 

1.  GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK

 

According to Changing Rhythms of American Family Life, a study by sociologists Suzanne M. Bianchi, John P. Robinson, and Melissa A. Milkie, all parents today spend more time with their children than in 1975, even though we have less leisure time, less time for ourselves, have entered the work force, and have more single parents than ever.  Yet, the vast majority of parents feel they are NOT spending enough time with their children.  I am familiar with a couple who have NEVER had a babysitter, even though their oldest child is 5 years old!  They share this fact with an air of competitive bravado, as though they care that much more about their children than the rest of us.  Yet, their marriage is strained at such a demand, and they seem woefully unhappy...I wonder why?  You are not a slave to your children and their needs.  Take a break, take a vacation, take a date night.  Stop beating yourself up, stop feeling guilty and get out with adults.  Immediately.

 

 2.  EVALUATE YOUR PURPOSE AND DEVELOP IT

 

Are you going through the motions of life?  Do you feel satisfied at your job, or in your home life?  If not, why not?  Determine what your greatest strengths are and how you can use and cultivate them.  You can start your hobby, join a group, get a new job, develop a skill, take a class.  Decide how you would like to give back to the world, and give...give and give some more.

 

3.  PINPOINT YOUR MOMENTS OR TRIGGERS OF UNHAPPINESS

 

If you are unhappy, or perhaps I should say when you are unhappy, why are you unhappy?  Are these moments of stress with your children?  Define these moments, and determine solutions.  Is bedtime a ritual which has become a nightmare for you and your family?  Stop doing the same thing and determine a different solution.  Is homework a battle that you experience daily?  Try changing the time and place you do it, maybe the library, for thirty minutes.  Shift the paradigm.  Do you think if only you had enough money, enough time, a young body, a prettier face...if only you had these things you would be happy?  Research says none of these things will necessarily bring happiness.  But if you able to determine the moments in your day when you feel anxiety, stress and unhappiness, you can pinpoint the solution.

 

4.  CREATE A GRATITUDE JOURNAL

 

University of California at Riverside researcher and psychologist Sonja Lyabomirsky determined that gratitude journals significantly lifted moods, improved physical health, raised energy and even relieved pain and fatigue in some patients.  Track the things you are grateful for in your journal daily, even if it's just one sentence.  Focus on the positive and teach this to your children.  We do this at prayers before dinner and on the way to school in the morning.  It's a great way to start and end the day.  (BTW, you can do this on your blackberry in the Memo section.)

 5.  PERFORM RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS

 

Random acts of kindness could be cutting a neighbor’s lawn who is out of town or sick, bringing a meal to a new mom and her family, helping a family in need, making lunches for the homeless.  Random acts are different than family acts of kindness.   Random acts of kindness are things you do for strangers.  In my world of four children, several businesses, and six siblings, most of my acts of kindness are for my family.  I have no hard data on this, but I believe that helping your family frequently helps elevate the serotonin levels as well, except when you are stuck doing all the dishes for a dinner for 39...

 

6.  CONTEMPLATE YOUR INFLUENCERS; THANK THEM

 

Who, in your life, have been your most notable influencers?  Who has shaped your life and given you hope, knowledge, passion that you never knew you had?  Who are the people that you secretly admire, who don't even know how much confidence you have instilled in them, or how much inspiration you have received from them?  Make a list.  Think of someone new every day.  Thank them through a card or a visit.  What I realized after doing this exercise is that many of them are no longer here to thank.  Do not delay, you do not know what tomorrow holds.

 

7.   FIND GOD

 

Many studies, including the famous "Nun Study", performed by Dr. David Snowden (Aging with Grace, Bantom), show that participants with religion are happier and better able to handle stress in life than those without.  I have written many times about the benefits of religion to children...it's a great resource for yourself, your life and the lives of your children.  Plus, big bonus here- apparently you live longer.

 

8.  SURRENDER TO THE FUTURE, FOR IT IS UNKNOWN AND REMAINS THAT WAY

 

No matter how much planning you do, no matter how many facts, figures and determinations you make about your future, you have no idea how it will turn out.  Determining, for example, your health demise based on your genetic predispositions may sound like a logical way to brace for a pending illness.  But, think of the time, effort and energy you would have put into such a venture.  Meanwhile, you could be hit by a car..or win the lottery and be able to buy yourself a kidney- or whatever the case may be. The point is, don’t stress.  (All of my family and friends can continue to remind me of my own advice in this area, as I famously stress about the future, how we will pay for college, how we will finance retirement, how I will ever accomplish all of my goals, etc. etc.)

 

9.  DEVELOP AND CULTIVATE YOUR FRIENDSHIPS

 

There is much written on the topic of play dates, which I have the benefit of finding vaguely annoying, as I have a prolific neighborhood  with an average of 12 kids in my own backyard at any given time, (like right now), without dates on my blackberry and follow-up emails.  I believe children should have spontaneity, and activities should follow suit in a creative way, and with people they find interesting, not just that I find interesting.  However, many mothers that I know spend much time analyzing the children’s’ social schedule and planning meticulously elaborate play dates with just the right families.  Yet these same women do not necessarily give their own lives and friendships half the attention as their children.  What are you doing to cultivate your friendships?  When was the last time that you found out something new about your friends, the ones you maybe have had for many years?  When was the last time you had lunch or an event with your friends?  Friendships are very important, and something that you should value.  Children will emulate you in terms of how much you value or devalue your friends. According to a 14 year study by Flinders University in Australia, of the 1500 participants, those with the most friends outlived their counterparts by 22%.  We are happier, more fulfilled and live longer when we have meaningful relationships with those around us. 

 

10.  LIVE WELL

 

I believe in gifting yourself, every day.  I do it in little ways, like having the most pleasant sounding alarm wake me; using the most luxurious moisturizers and shampoos I can afford; having wonderful sheets and down comforters and lots of pillows; having whipped cream in my coffee every morning; getting in a great workout; sitting down to a beautiful salad lunch with a copy of Vanity Fair; long goodbye kisses from my husband; making a yummy dinner with great wine; long talks with my children at bedtime and talking to all the people I love, (okay all of these things are not daily, but many are).  These are my little gifts that help me live well.  (Just to shatter the fantasy let me tell you have I may have 10 loads of clean unfolded laundry next to my bed, but I always have good sheets.)  And these are the little things that make me happy, and make me feel like I take care of me, and I live a wonderful life.  I hope you will too.

 

In my darkest moments, I would never return my life to one without children.  It may be difficult, challenging, sometimes absolutely maddening, but I think if we are aware of how to change those moments as much as possible to be loving, funny and enjoyable, then these dark times will become like Christmas tree lights strung upon the branches of our lives, twinkling brightly with memories of pure unabashed happiness, and the struggles in between become a part of the background carefully connecting each moment together to the beautiful top when they disappear to the star in the night.  I wish you and yours happiness and peace.

 

Colleen Shields is a writer, producer, host and mother.  You can read her blogs and see her parenting videos on http://theMomtastics.com, or follow her on Twitter @Momtastic.