Relationship Maps: Listening is key to being effective

Alexis was struggling with this committee assignment. She had some very clear ideas of her own about what they needed to be accomplishing, but she was having a tough time figuring out how to communicate with the committee effectively.

Her first effort had been to tell them at the very first meeting that she knew from past experience that the only way to get to their goal was to do X. This had been received not with gratitude for her experience, but with a dead silence that had lingered uncomfortably in the room until Lawrence had redirected the committee to their printed agenda.

At their second meeting she had reintroduced the same idea but with a more cheerleader sort of approach that tried to ignite their enthusiasm for the project. Although she didn't get crickets this time, she was still mostly ignored while they moved on to other things.

After that second resounding lack of success, she cornered one of the committee members with whom she'd had some previous experience. Nora was an easygoing and good-natured woman whom everyone was pleased to find on their committee.

"Hey, Nora. Thanks for taking the time to talk to me," Alexis said. "I bet you can guess what I want to talk to you about."

"You mean, have I noticed that your participation on this committee is not going great? Well, yes, now that you mention it, I have." Nora smiled gently to take out whatever sting there might be in her words.

"Nora, help! You've worked with me before. You know that I can be an asset on this kind of project. I want to be an asset. But somehow, instead of being effective, I'm just being annoying."

"Alexis, I know you have some valuable expertise to share with the committee. In fact, I was the one who requested that you be added to the group. But I have to tell you that I met some serious resistance to including you on this project. Everyone respects your technical expertise. And everyone respects your intelligence. But, Alexis, they say you don't play well with others."

Alexis furrowed her brow. "Nora, I've never been mean or cutthroat or gossipy. I swear!"

Nora smiled at Alexis. "No, you're not like that at all. I don't think you have a mean bone in your body, Alexis. No, what they say is that you don't listen well. They say that you have such a strong sense of things that you just pretty much ignore everyone else in the group. They say that you talk but don't listen. They feel that you share answers but never listen to other people's questions or concerns."

Alexis looked chagrined. Unfortunately, she'd received this feedback before but had always disregarded it, attributing it to other people's issues.

Grasping at a shred of defense, she said, "But, Nora, if they'd just listen to me, things could go so much more efficiently!"

Nora laughed. "Alexis, a committee is like any other relationship - it's a group of people, each of whom needs to feel respected and included. If you try to skip that step, you actually make the whole process less efficient. People can't listen to your ideas, even if they're good ones, if they feel that you have no interest in soliciting theirs. If you have no patience for or interest in other people's input, then they'll resist yours. And frankly, that just slows down the whole thing."

Alexis puzzled over this. She really was committed to being an effective and successful participant. And her experience corroborated Nora's feedback.

"So, what's my first step, Nora? I'm smart. I can learn how to do this right."

"I know you are. OK, step one is to listen. Walk into that room the next time with the commitment not to say anything until you know what everyone else is thinking. If you don't know just by listening, then start asking questions. Do not give answers before asking questions. Know everyone else's thoughts, concerns, ideas, etc., before you share your own. Can you do that?"

Alexis set her jaw and nodded. She smiled at Nora. "Thanks, Nora. I owe you."

Nora smiled. "You can repay me by being as effective on this committee as I told everyone you could be. We need you, Alexis."

Alexis nodded and said, "Nora, the new, improved Alexis will be at the next committee meeting. If I start to stray, feel free to shoot me with a rubber band." They laughed and shared a deal-making handshake.

Alexis proved that she was as smart as Nora thought she was. And to everyone's delight, the next committee meeting was not only friendly and comfortable for everyone, but it was wonderfully productive. They accomplished more in one meeting than they had in the previous two. Nora never had to resort to her stash of rubber bands, but she kept them on the table in front of her to remind Alexis of her game plan.

At the end of the meeting, after all the self-congratulatory, "Good job, guys," had been exchanged, Alexis walked over to Nora, smiled, picked up a rubber band from the pile and slipped it on her wrist. "Just a reminder. Thanks, Nora."

Dr. Benna Sherman is a licensed psychologist in private practice. Questions of general interest may be sent to her at 479 Jumpers Hole Road, Suite 304B, Severna Park, MD 21146, or e-mailed to her at bzsherman@comcast.net. Her phone number is 410-544-9564 and her Web site can be found at www.DrBennaSherman.com.