Watch your children for the warning signs of stress

Alex is a bright, intelligent student who makes honor-roll grades while taking above-average classes. In addition, Alex is an all-star athlete and a talented musician. Alex regularly participates in church and community activities and events.

Alex and Sam are trying to “find” their way through each new stage of their lives, to please the adults in their lives, and to learn how to successfully juggle the demands placed on them by school, family and friends. Sam and Alex face many of the same stressors, fears and anxieties. Sound like anyone you know?

As parents and educators, we all want our children to succeed to their maximum potential. We try to provide each of them many opportunities to grow their gifts and become well-rounded adults. Sometimes, in our pursuit of these goals, we fail to realize just how much is on their plates. In the daily routine of school, athletics, music, church, family, Scouts and play-dates, our children (and families) become stressed by trying “to do all things” and “doing all things well.”

Sometimes, we don’t realize that our children have overheard adult conversations about money, jobs or other family stressors and attached a child’s perception to those adult issues. We all have our own unique ways of managing stress, and our own level of internal resources. Our kids also have unique differences and manners of resilience as well. We sometimes forget to teach our children how to “juggle” and how to put one of those “plates” down without everything crashing in on them at the same time. Sometimes, our kids wait for “permission” to let something go. Juggling can be an exhausting and anxiety-provoking task, especially if we do not know how to stop, even for a rest.

Given the news of the last two weeks that suicide-related behavior and, in fact, suicide, is on the rise among the young-adult population, it is more critical than ever that all of us — parents, educators, health professionals and teens — pay close attention to the warning signs of stress and other pressures that present themselves. Failing to do so can have tragic and deadly consequences. The signs of stress and anxiety are not consistent from one child to another. The symptoms for children also are different than those for adults, as one would expect. Our children may not have developed the “words” to describe their feelings, to ask for help, or to know what the source of the stress may be. In critical moments, we as parents and educators may not always connect changes in mood, irritability, frustration tolerance, academic performance, appetite, friends, sleep or “minor” physical aliments (like headaches and tummy aches without specific causes) to feelings of stress or anxiety.

So, what do we do? How can we help our children manage stress? • It is important that we take time to talk with and listen to our children. When we are busy and over-booked, we tend to have communication by necessity, and not necessarily to communicate. “What’s for dinner?” “Is your homework done?” “What time is practice?”

Sometimes, we ask questions like “How was your day?” but we don’t really take the time to listen to the answer. When we listen, we can take advantage of opportunities to teach social problem-solving skills and get an emotional gauge of how our children are functioning at the moment.

• Give your children “permission” to take time off. Allow, and even encourage, “down” time. Rest, vacations and “do-nothing” days are good for the whole family.
• Listen attentively to the conversations they have with their friends. Sometimes this is a great source of information as to how they are really doing.
• Be cautious with the words and actions you choose. If you tell your children “just do your best” and then react to the less-than-perfect performance with the most emotion and intensity, you are conveying two very different messages.
• Be cautious about the conversations you have in your children’s presence or within their hearing range. They quickly pick up on your emotions, words and level of stress.
• Above all, trust your instincts. If you think there is reason to be concerned, ask, watch, listen attentively and seek assistance if necessary.

The Anne Arundel County Public Schools Web site, www.aacps.org, has a list of available resources in the “For Your Information” section on the front page. Students and parents also should feel free to talk to school psychologists, school social workers (only in some schools), and school counselors at any time.

The writer, a school psychologist for Anne Arundel County Public Schools, holds a doctoral degree in school psychology and is a National Certified School Psychologist.