Caregivers' Corner: Time to give fearful and forgetful mom an ultimatum

DEAR MARY: I've had it with my mother, who thinks nothing of calling in the middle of the night. These calls usually involve a noise or other imagined emergency she wants me to investigate. If I don't respond immediately, she is likely to call 911. I've also noticed she's forgetful, something I hadn't observed before.

This has been going on since my father died several months ago. She is adamant about living in her own home. I can't concentrate at work and it's hard to stay awake when driving. I can't continue like this. What can I do?

DEAR READER: Your mother is obviously frightened to be alone at night, which is understandable now that she is widowed. Her forgetfulness, however, is what concerns me the most. The reason you didn't notice it before may be because your father covered for her. She needs a thorough physical and psychological assessment to determine what's going on.

In either case, she shouldn't be alone right now. Give her a choice: Either allow someone to stay with her at night or move to a safer environment. It's hard to give a parent an ultimatum, but it's not just her well-being that's at stake. It's yours, too.

DEAR MARY: My mother has dementia and goes to the bathroom frequently. Although I remind her she has just gone, she insists she has to go again. I thought she might have a urinary tract infection, but the urinalysis was negative. She is reluctant to go out for fear of not being near a bathroom. Do you have any suggestions for me?

DEAR READER: Although urinary tract infection is the most likely cause, some other problems may be present. She could be bothered by irritation from not wiping well. In this case you will have to help her. I suggest you keep premoistened, flushable wipes on hand. Constipation and impaction are two other culprits; both cause pressure in the lower abdomen. Also, take a look at her diet. Caffeine, sugar and artificial sweeteners are bladder irritants for some folks. Eliminating them from her diet could help.

If none of the above is the problem, she may be going through an obsessive-compulsive period in her dementia. Here, patience is all that's required, because eventually this will pass. The best way to handle it is with distraction by engaging her in an activity like helping with the laundry or preparing dinner.

DEAR MARY: My wife and I love to dine out, but lately it's become embarrassing. She has Alzheimer's disease and it is difficult for her to read a menu, so she tells me to order for her. When I do, she insists she didn't order the meal she is served. Sometimes there is quite a scene. Do you have any suggestions about how to handle this situation?

DEAR READER: You may have to face the fact that dining out together isn't possible any more. Her reaction is due to frustration and memory impairment. She is probably acutely aware that she can't remember things and becomes anxious and defensive when confronted by it. It would be kinder to bring home takeout meals or visit a cafeteria-style restaurant.

When you do venture out again, carry business-sized cards with you to slip to unsuspecting wait staff that say, "Thank you for your patience. My loved one has Alzheimer's disease."

Questions and comments can be sent to Mary C. Fridley at Gero-Resources, PO Box 573, Riva, MD 21140, or e-mailed to geroresources@comcast.net.