Achieving Happiness: Break free from bad relationship patterns

It's hard to break free from the patterns of relating that we acquired when we were growing up. Long before we could make conscious choices about the way we wanted our relationships to work, we were subjected to thousands of interactions that became the script we expect to play out. Even in adulthood, when we have the ability to choose to learn another way to relate to loved ones, we tend to lapse into playing out this old pattern.

Jodie was recently reminded of how easy it is to slip right back into the old dysfunctional dynamics from her childhood when her father was hospitalized and she had to spend a considerable amount of time with her parents and siblings. She summed up the experience by stating, "I got slimed."

Jodie's mother, who has trouble just taking care of herself, was insisting that her husband come home directly from the hospital rather than spend some time in a rehabilitation facility, which is what the hospital was recommending. Accustomed to her husband's care and attention, she'd been miserable at home alone.

Major problems arose when Jodie tried to discuss the reality of what her mother would have to do to take care of her husband while he was recuperating. When her mom sensed that Jodie was trying to thwart her from getting what she wanted, she launched into a nasty attack on her daughter. Projecting her own issues onto Jodie, the mother accused her daughter of only thinking about herself.

To bolster her position, the mother called her drug-addicted son for support. Drug addicts are notoriously self-centered and codependent (easy to see where he learned those attitudes). So of course he supported his mother, as she was still paying many of his bills even though he's in his 40s. His attack on Jodie was even more virulent than the mother's, complete with contemptuous name-calling.

From early on in her life, Jodie has given into people's demands, especially if the individual attacks her personally. She has imagined that if she tries to please and placate people they will treat her nicely - but just the opposite has occurred.

Jodie's demeanor sends signals to those people who fit the familiar pattern - men and women who are extraordinarily selfish and especially critical when their demands are not met. Jodie becomes entangled in a dysfunctional dance in which she can never do enough for the other person, which they use as justification for refusing to give her much of what she needs.

For her part, Jodie has tended to buy into the criticism. Her own inner critic has been well trained, so she has almost always blamed herself for not being good enough to get the love and respect she craves. Consequently, she's gotten into relationships with men who have ended up treating her horribly.

Because Jodie's been in therapy for the last several months, she was able to instantly recognize that she was being pulled back into an old pattern. As soon as her inner critic started to agree with what her family was saying about her, she sat down with her notebook and began to write down her thoughts. "Maybe my mother's right. I'm not thinking about she wants. Maybe I am being inconsiderate and callous toward her. What makes me think that I could possibly know what's best for her?"

But when Jodie read what she'd written, she immediately saw the flaw in her thinking. She rewrote her explanation of the situation in order to strengthen the more rational voice that she had been cultivating. "This isn't about what my mother needs - it's about what my father needs."

"Like me," Jodie wrote, "he's given in to her forever. But now he could really benefit from someone standing up for what's in his best interests - getting the physical therapy that will allow him to fully recover rather than being hobbled for the rest of his life. I can be that person. I can set aside her criticism of me by recognizing that I'm being manipulated. I can redirect my thoughts to constantly remind myself that the doctor's recommendations are right."

These new thoughts gave her the courage to prevail in the debate. But having been at the hospital and out of her regular routines, Jodie was exhausted and feeling vulnerable to relapsing into her insecurities. So she recharged herself by getting back to exercising, eating well, and socializing with her healthy friends who were able to offer much-needed support.

Dr. Tom Muha is a psychologist practicing in Annapolis. His previous articles are archived at www.achievinghappiness.com. Call him at 443-454-7274 or send e-mail to drtom@achievinghappiness.com.