Overheard: Lashing out

I had it easy. I only needed some clear nail polish from the drugstore. No Pretty in Puce, no Tantric Tan, no You Look Mauvelous - just plain old, clear nail polish. The woman on the other side of the aisle, though? She was having a tough time deciding which mascara to buy.

She spent a good 10 minutes sizing up her options before heaving a heavy sigh and lamenting to her daughter, "Jeez, whatever happened to brown, black and brown-black?"

I looked over my shoulder to give her a sympathetic smile and noticed that mascara did seem to be taking up an inordinate amount of shelf space in the makeup aisle, more than the last time I bothered to buy any in the late '90s. Then again, eyelashes seem to be getting an inordinate amount of attention in our society these days, too. I guess if the eyes are the windows to the soul, mascara is the clumpy, smudgy window treatment.

But wait! Clumps and smudges are completely in the past! Thanks to cutting-edge makeup technology and advancements in the field of needless beauty enhancements, you too can have long, lush eyelashes that look like they could, well, poke someone's eye out.

If current TV ads are to be believed (including that guy with the accent who pronounces it muss-CAR-uh), the trick to lashes with length is a brush that lifts and separates. (We've been hearing about the importance of this for years from the Cross Your Heart bra folks, so it must be true). Never mind the fact that these new iterations look pretty much like every other mascara brush that came before them; there are actual engineers who use calculus-filled college degrees to design these things.

They would be the geniuses who came up with Maybelline's Pulse Perfection Vibrating Mascara. I'm going to go out on a limb and say it was a man whose "Eureka" moment went something like this: "I know! How about, when women put that brush full of smeary black stuff near their eyes, we make it vibrate? It would make mascara application exciting and fun, almost like an extreme sport!"

There could not be a worse idea. First of all, generations of mothers have wisely advised their children to "Put that stick down or you'll poke your eye out." They can't all be wrong.

And besides, too many women already have trouble applying mascara with one eye on the road and the other on their rearview mirror. To add a moving target into the mix would be disastrous.

Fortunately, their are others in the makeup business who maintain there's no need to reinvent the mascara brush to help women achieve unnaturally long-looking lashes - you only have to reinvent the mascara. This is how we ended up with L'Oreal Double Extend Beauty Tubes. This groundbreaking product comes with two separate brushes and two separate rounds of makeup to apply: one is a primer of sorts, and the other encases lashes in the aforementioned tubes.

Even if attaching tubes to one's eyelashes would help them achieve "amazing new heights," as the L'Oreal Web site promises, I think this product is really designed for women who are looking to add an additional step to their morning makeup routine. At last count, that would be none of them.

And let us not forget our sisters who feel their lashes are sorely lacking. For them, no amount of tubal treatment or mascara in motion can mask their skimpy eyelashes.

For these unfortunate souls, the beauty industry has concocted eyelash extensions. Just like their counterparts for hair, eyelash extensions are strands of synthetic material that are bonded to existing lashes. They are bonded lash by lash, and if you figure you have 100 to 150 lashes per eye, on average, and two eyes, on average ... well, let's just say it's making the whole tube thing look like an efficient use of time.

Even the pharmaceutical industry has gotten in on the act with Latisse, a drug that makes eyelashes grow longer, fuller and darker.

As with any self-respecting prescription of the 21st century, though, it comes with a few interesting warnings. According to its Web site, Latisse "may cause eyelid skin darkening which may be reversible, and there is ... a potential for hair growth to occur in areas where Latisse solution comes in repeated contact with skin surfaces."

So, your problem is solved: No one's going to notice your insufficient eyelashes if they're too busy staring at your darkened eyelids and the hair growing from your fingertips.

And think of the money you'll save on mascara.

Kathryn Flynn, The Capital's features editor, accepts her lashes just the way they are. You can contact her at kflynn@capitalgazette.com.